Dating ain't Finna Be a Breeze

                 Dating now and days is like a barrage of sausages, egos and the occasional creeper that you know in 20 years may just be the cover of a news headline... Now, before I get hate for this, I'm not saying all men are like this! In fact I've met quite a few new friends, so this whole stepping out in the dating game hasn't been a complete fail in my books.  However, dating is not for the faint of heart. I cannot properly display or tell  you the amount of eye rolls, stress, and irritation it takes to do it. But, you can't expect to meet anyone staying at home. I mean seriously, what do you expect them to break in the house? This isn't a home invasion, this is a Surprise date! lol So, I'm stepping out again and my experience so far have been comical to me at times. Let me just tell you my humor has saved me so much in my life. It is hands down one of my best qualities.  But the remaining fact and white line at the end is rejection sucks! Quite frankly, the new lines for turning people down, or delivering half ass excuses of why commitment isn't right for them is just exhausting. But, I have taken notes and added some funny commentary and hard truths. These by far are my favorites excuses to date:

"You know I'm really busy with work, and I can't really commit to anything serious right now." What he is really saying is that he wants to hookup, but has no intention of committing. He wants ass and he's got the gas, but a relationship he finna pass.

"I'm just coming out of a bad relationship, but if you want to do friends with benefits then that's cool." What he is really saying is, I'm not over my ex, or accepted that somethings don't work out. However, I still have needs and will give you attention only when you're willing to give me the booty. But if you end up catching feelings, or thinking that they actually might want the friend part or take a chance to get to know you, then walk the plank. Because he is a pirate and you are about to be thrown overboard. Girl, don't you worry that you're alone, I will throw you a floaty to join the other people who have made that mistake. We all crash and fail in the dating world at least once.

"I'm here for a good time, not a long time. You into that?" Girl, he just want the booty. I mean... he can't be blunter than that. Well he can, but this is the nicer version.

or my absolute favorite, even after clearly stating I have a child;

"Oh, you have a kid, yeah... I'm not really ready for kids and taking on that responsibility, but if you want to ever have some fun let me know."  What he is saying is that he did not read your profile, and is just clicking like to see what girl will respond to him. He is just trying to swipe some ass. So for any parents who have ever seen Dora, you got to say, "Swiper no Swiping!"

                      I shit you not, that has been my experience thus far. Honestly, sometimes it's comical, and I brush it off with a joke or two. Other times I want to hit my head against the desk and just say, "You know, maybe 30 cat's isn't a bad idea... I love sweaters, so really I mean there are perks..." Why is this a topic I'm covering? Well, I'm a single Mom and we want to experience dating to. Let me clarify. DATING:

 1.) Not FWB

2.)  Not hookups

3.) No we don't want to see your Penis soft or hard. Seriously, if I want to see a snake or whatever is in your trousers, I have Google, Bing and Yahoo.

 4.) I don't want you to infiltrate my guts, which first of all sounds like you're premeditatedly telling me you plan to murder my insides. So, ya know maybe look into some anatomy books... or you know read a manual on proper way to approach someone.

                     Being a Mom is hectic at times, but when you get those moments or experience them with your kid or kids you notice that there is something missing. Now, no where in here am I saying you need someone to complete yourself, or to be a whole family. I believe that you can have a family with just you and your kids, or be successful at being single. For me though, some moments feel a little lonely. Usually, it's when I'm watching Cayden do or say something for the first time or I get a progress report from school and he is rocking out!  I'm so excited and I go to turn, but just looking at air. There are times when I find myself wishing that I had made better decisions in my past. I wish Cayden could experience what it is to have a Dad. One that he can be proud of and look up too. For some of you, you might be wondering, "Well, where is Cayden's Dad?' For the longest time, that was a sore subject. But the truth is, I was in an abusive relationship. He didn't want kids realistically, and especially one with Special Needs. So, he left and that's all she wrote, for those who know me more personally I ask that you refrain from unveiling his identity. That was 6 years ago, and I have taken a lot of time to heal and to process things. I have strived to be the best Mom I can be, and to never allow him to miss the love that he would receive if his Father were involved. Growing up, I was blessed to have 2 Dads: My Dad, and my Grandpa. And I'm grateful they have helped and stepped up to be positive figures in his life.
                     Back to my point, It is so hard to get out there and meet people. Plenty of single parents are out there mingling and mingling successfully at that. One of my greatest struggles to date is that when we get on topic of my son, I can always feel the shift once I talk about his diagnosis. It's like a light switch flips and immediately I can feel the hesitancy and the judgement. Let me just make a PSA: MY EGGS are fine, I have a 1% chance of ever having another child with DS. BUT, even if I did, it wouldn't change things for me. Babies, Kids, and Adults with DS have value. They matter, and honestly, I believe that without them we wouldn't appreciate things or remember just how beautiful simple things are. We take so much for granted, and they embrace everything. They keep no record of hate, they love. To me, they are one of the purest things left in this world. Now, that my side rant is over... lol  It just sucks, Massively, because it hits me that they are not willing to give Cayden a chance, and in reality me a chance either. While the rejection is also a good things because I can weed out people not worth my time. It also stings a bit and makes it feel like you're not good enough. Which I know is not the case, but still it sucks and is a kick to your self esteem. The other problem is weeding out guys who say they accept my son, but in talking will say things or word them offensively with intent that you know they're actually not okay with it. It's really not that hard, honesty is everything. I would respect people so much more to be brutally honest, then to sugar coat or lie to me.
                    Though my dating life is still a work in progress, and so far my experiences are wack! lol I still have this optimism that one day some guy will come along. I often envision that day will happen when I'm stuffing my face with food, and we will make eye contact and some Michael Bolton will be playing in the restaurant and we will just know. Just kidding, lol... maybe... But for now, just doing my best at being a Mom, and getting out there again.

Mama Said Cut The Crap Jimmy

                 Keeping Up is hard. Writing is hard. Remembering is hard. Finding time for yourself is hard. Most of the time it has to do with the fact as a Parent we have a 101 other things to do. And if your like me, a Single Parent it's almost impossible to even get 5 minutes to ones self. My version of a vacation is an extended bathroom stay which includes but not limited to: looking at funny memes, comedy videos, or the occasional puppy underdog story. Anything other then that is considered an extra curricular activity. Perfection is expected, and judgy stares and whispers follow when you fall short. Being a Mom, Hell a Parent in general, I've had a lot of questions, but the biggest; "Why are we so judgmental and competitive?" Like my tiny human is happy, loved and thriving. Why should I feel down that he is not like Little Jimmy?
               Well let me tell you, Jimmy, just because he isn't doing cool flip coordination's with a fidget spinners, it doesn't make you cooler. It just means your a ninja with your hands. Just because he isn't wearing the hottest and latest brand of tighty whitey's, it doesn't make you more special. No matter how cool the superhero design is! Just because he isn't the fastest at racing to the front of the line for breakfast doesn't mean he isn't as talented as you. Or that he isn't going to get the same breakfast. Okay, enough shitting on Little Jimmy. Hopefully you realize Little Jimmy is a metaphor... My point of this, why do we as parents feel the need to be competitive and perfect and to transfer that onto our kids. Why is everything a race? Why am I competing with other parents? Why am I looking for my son to compete with another kid's success? Why can't we celebrate our own successes without shitting on another's? Yes, I'm aware my Little Jimmy metaphor is hypocritical, but one has to give an example to get the point across. We all need to take a chill pill and remember that were all doing the same thing; trying to raise our kids to be the best they can be. BUT, please for the love of all sanity... let's stop being so competitive! What is the rush? My son learns slower than others, but when he get's it he lights up. Why? Because he is conquering something. Because he has learned something. So I celebrate it, as little or big as it is. I don't say, "Wow Cayden, that's cool you learned how to sign "please"," and then proceed to tell him, "But Little Jimmy is already reading a book." My goal as his Mom is to encourage him. To love him. To push him to be his best. Not to tear him down, or to minimize his accomplishment.
                However, that very goal I'm trying to instill in him is something I need to instill in myself. I am in no means a Perfect Mother. Sometimes I get up late and act like a chicken with it's head cut off. Trying to remember everything to grab in a 5 minute imaginary time clock that is going to explode if I don't heat up my car in 2.5 seconds, impossible. Other times I'm up on time. Sometimes I look like a disheveled raccoon that has the matted afro of a hippie after a rave. And other times I look put together. Wait, let me stop myself. I look good, I look like a Damn Diamond! (Another struggle as a Mom is remembering you're beautiful to, but that's another blog time for that.) Why am I telling you all this horrifically embarrassing stuff about myself? Because I'm not perfect, but I do my best. I get up, and from the moment my feet touch the floor I am on the go. Not a moment goes by that I'm not thinking of stuff that ultimately relates to him. My schedule itself is wrapped around him. Doctors, Speech Therapy Appointments, and when we get a chance play dates. When I'm in a store it is impossible for me to look for myself. I always end up in the kid section, and if money forces me to chose, he wins. Unapologetically, he will always win. Because he is my world. So why am I trying to compete with other parents? If I don't allow myself to compare my sons successes to others like Little Jimmy. Then why do I allow myself to compare myself to other Moms/ Parents?  Why am I so worried that I'm not like Debra; that never looks disheveled? Why am I consumed with how to be the oversachiever, who has a chartboard that is full of crazy shenanigans that are heavily unnecessary?
Why am I competing with Martha who coupons and fight with employees to get the sale item, even after being told the coupon is expired? Unfortunately Martha, you do not get to get unshit on like Jimmy, just let it go and pay the price or put it back so this line will move. And for the love of all things, please get rid of the stank face. 
              Hopefully, you enjoy some humor in this.  This is me saying I'm done being competitive. I'm done striving for this crazy idea of the perfect parent. Because I'm not, but I am the best I can be. My son is not perfect, but he is to me and he does the best he can. I guess this  is really me reminding myself that a happy Mom is the best Mom. Like a happy Child is the best child. To remember to take care of myself the way I take care of him. To encourage myself the way I encourage him. To give myself grace the way I give him. Hell, to love myself the way I love him. So, in order to do that I need to do exactly what I do for him. So that means taking a little time for myself. Whether it's me writing, looking at funny photos, or watching some corny love story on lifetime I'm going to do it.


This is more of a reminder for me, and maybe any of you who feel the same way.

A Bushel and a Peck

Birthdays, a celebration of life.  This year Cayden turns three. He is growing right before me and I am in awe of all he has accomplished this year. He is reaching milestone, after milestone. With each of his birthdays I always love to look back and revisit our past year and all it has taught us.

   Milestones, significant and memorable measures of time. Today was a big milestone for me. Letting go is an ongoing battle I face in my journey of Motherhood. Never has Cayden looked so young then when his hair is overgrown. Streaks of red glimmer when light hits it. On his first birthday, I wrestled with if I would cut it, or let it grow, inevitably I would cut it. But his hair carried baby years. Odd, I know it’s a strange thought. His hair growing felt like him remaining young forever. Carrying him has become harder. A delight every mother adores and cherishes. My arms don’t have the same strength they once had. Regardless, I still carry him and relish the joy I feel in doing so. However, in a way I’ve come to realize that if you don’t let go, you enable. Cayden loves to walk, and run. Well his version of running is speed walking very fast and flashing that sneaky smile as he runs with anticipation of us catching him. With me carrying him I realize I’ve deprived him of his delight in running. The hardest of the details in my letting go is his desire to put himself to sleep. At night as I watch him drift to sleep, memories flood me. There was once a time that I was his goodnight, rocking him as I sang. He would look up with those big, brown eyes and I would just melt. His sweet little grin would gleam and the quote, “then my soul saw him and it kind of went, “Oh there you are. I’ve been looking for you(Unknown)” would flash in my mind. He is forever my Babybear. With him I’ve learned what truly love really is, and one of my favorite quotes about my life after Cayden is, “And she loved a little boy very much, even more than she loved herself. (Unknown)” Time and love are intertwined; they grow as time goes on. Time has also taught me that life is in continuing motion; it slows for no one.

    Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters. This year has been full of many up’s and down’s; cancer, high risk pregnancies, medical complications, and really just simply hell on earth. There have been many times I’ve wondered if things will ever look up. The relevance of this is that my little boy holds a special power, he can light up anything in darkness. The greatest learned this year is that life is truly precious, it is not promised, nor does it wait for anyone. So enjoy the moments, embrace love, and stand together. Our family is changing with many new additions of cousins. Cayden doesn’t understand all that is happening around him, but in the tribulations we’ve faced this year he has helped by bringing sunshine with his little grin. One of the many things I adore about my son is his calmness with the sea is raging. Even when he is sick, gets a boo-boo, or is just plain being a stink-butt, if he sees your upset he comes to the rescue with his smile. (A funny note is that he never lets anyone cry alone, if one of his cousin cries, he cries.) To kids we are there superhero’s, but more and more do I realize my son is mine. He puts on his cape all in his own time, and his superpower is his smile and its shine.

“You have filled my heart with greater joy.”

-Psalm 4:7

Letting go is a process that continues for years, and years. Cayden will have many more milestones, adventures, and experiences. In a blink, they’ll be gone and he will be on to another. Each I’ll miss and cherish for there worth, but in them I’ll find joy in all he has accomplished.

Learning happens every day. Every experience, every decision, every chance, every adventure, simply everything teaches us a lesson. As a mom the biggest struggle I have is excepting the inevitable. My son is growing, he is getting older, wiser, and he has many more adventures. The hardest part I’ll face is letting go is allowing him to have his own experiences, but I know that I will and by me doing that his journey will inspire others. “Learning is their journey. Let them navigate. Push them to explore. Watch them discover. Encourage their questions. Allow them to struggle. Support their thinking. Let them fly. (Unknown)”

Cayden is turning THREE on the 25^th. He starts school this fall. Early-On has been a great support and has taught me a lot. I was able to grow as a parent, and in a way discover another one of my passions, which is working with Special Needs Kids.  He has accomplished a lot this year, a few of his accomplishments are: Signing (He knows More, All Done, and Drink), He can say more than five words (Mom, Nana, Papa, Stop (but says Top), NO, Bubbles, and Star), tries to feed himself with silverware, runs, goes up and down stairs, takes naps in his bed, puts himself to sleep, climbs, jumps on a trampoline, combs his hair, and helps me clean. To many these are simple tasks that are usually accomplished within year and a half or the second year, but for me this is a victory. Cayden is exceling! He is learning, he is on his own journey and at his own pace. I am his mother, and I can say that, “The best is surely yet to come.” Cayden’s future is bright, and he is everything I could have ever asked for. He is our sunshine on a cloudy day. So to end this I’d Like to say, “Happy Birthday, Mommy Loves you a Bushel, a Peck, and a Hug around the neck.”

A Journey in Milestones

A Journey in Milestones

I once use to worry about all that my son would face, “Would he reach all his milestones?” “Would he learn to crawl?” I have the worse anxiety known to man, I believe, my Mom told me it just comes with being a Mom, but that I need to relax and just pace myself. I now understand a lot of things I never did with my Mom, she’d always stress about where I or my sisters were, or who we were hanging out with, when we were coming home? I can only imagine how many times she wanted to pull her hair out with us, and even now I’m sure she still does at times. I get it now though, worrying is just motherly nature.

                            Sometimes I find myself stressing over little trivial things, trying to do and be Super- Mom, not realizing that my son already thinks that I’m his Superhero, it’s weird to think that someone looks to me as their hero. When he cries he comes to me, when he’s tired he comes to me, when he wants to run away from his therapist while she is trying to work with him, he comes to me; I am his safe haven. BUT… make no mistake he is my safe haven as well. When days get tough, and when my worries overtake me, I just look at him, and realize, “Hey, he’s doing everything in his own time, and each step is a big one”, then it’s almost as if on cue I look at him and he just smiles and his smile just lights up my whole world, and all the worries fade away.

When Cayden first started therapy it was a struggle, he would fight everything. We’d work on steps, and goals to reach milestones and it just seemed like he wasn’t getting it, but really it wasn’t him not getting it, it was me. My son was reaching milestones on his own time, and here I was looking online and seeing all my friends kids basing their milestones on my son, boy was I wrong. I now look at my friends kids milestones, and while they are amazing, I don’t compare them to my son’s. Every stride he makes is special to me, and show’s so much improvement, he’s proud, and so am I. Recently this September when Therapy started back up my Son was a working machine! Every time his therapist taught him something the next day he was doing it all on his own. He was trying to learn to crawl before this, but wasn’t quite getting pattering, then when she taught him that, next day, boy did he fly. I now have gates up around the house, and have to close doors. Little things like that just light my heart. Such a big accomplishment, and I am so proud. Though I won’t lie, he is a troublemaker, get’s into everything, but ya know I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Right now were working on feeding and let me tell you I never knew that it be this hard, but were making strides every day.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

Though the true credit in all of this is God, he has been rocking my mind this year, and past few months, just teaching me to trust and him and be still. I think the hardest thing as a parent, and really as a human is to realize that he is in control, and I am not. He’s taught me to really appreciate the little milestones even more, like my son sitting up, or even my son’s first strides to crawl. I’m truly grateful for the chance to really see things another way, to appreciate things, and to be Cayden’s Mom. I am grateful for God and his unfailing love, the joy he has brought to me through my son, his blessings in disguise, and for his sacrifices. And though some days may be rough, and I lose focus I look to him to help me on this journey with my son. This verse really helps me get through;

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9

A Year of Life

A year of Life 

“Enjoy every single moment. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the inspiring, the not-so-glamorous moments. And THANK GOD through it all.”

-Meghan Matt

Some days even in the midst  of happiness, are moments of sadness of the realization; My son is growing up, even though he is still a baby in my eyes, you still see the milestones, and begin to think of all the new ones he’ll accomplish. Each of them you will smile, each of them you will cry and look back on all those cherished memories. Cayden is a year old now. It’s crazy to think that I have 1 year old. It seems like only yesterday they were placing him in my arms, with the assumption in my head he’d be young, he’d be my baby forever. There are times where I feel as though my youth is slipping from me, I’ll be 20 soon. I know, I sound ridiculous, but it feels like I’m old. I have accomplished a lot so far in my life, but there will never be anything that could ever cease to top my biggest accomplishment, my son.

This past year has taught me a lot of lessons.  One of them is to appreciate life for all it’s worth, and even when the storm rages, and winds carry, to smile because things could always be worse.One of my favorite things to do is to rock Cayden to sleep at night. As I would he would always look at me before he closed his eyes, making sure I wasn't laying him down. This night in particular, he jolted in his sleep. I called my Mom to come here because when I looked in his eyes I saw fear. She said to wait for the morning. In the morning I awoke and we took him to the doctors where my fears were confirmed. My son was suffering from seizures called West Syndrome.

He was hospitalized for two weeks, and spent his 1st Thanksgiving in the hospital, no matter we still made it special. He was his smiley, bubbly self, laughing, but then the seizures would come on, and it was odd he’d go right back to his regular self. I was so happy that despite the seizures, he would still smile. After day 3 my son finally got his medication  approved from the insurance, after heavy persuasion from the doctor. Even in the midst of this my son would just smile, which was comforting, he has the most heartwarming smile, and can make anyone feel better, and in this time it was just what I needed. I felt so helpless, and in that sense is truly where my Son, and God rose my spirits. In the hospital I grew up a lot. I had to learn to put my fears, and my squeamishness towards needles behind me to take care of my Son. I’m proud to say my Son has not had a seizure since November 30th. Truly a  Praise God moment!

My son teaches me lessons everyday, some rather would have not have learned. Like if you don’t put this diaper on fast enough, you might get a shower. Or by far the most gross experience; when he was first born I was half asleep changing his diaper and he shot on me, and I’m not talking number 1 lol, I laugh about it now, but in the moment it was by far the most scary, disgusting and confusing experience. I had many questions; One, how did that get on my shirt when I’m sitting that far away? Two how did all that come out of a baby? It’s a tad gross, but reflecting on it now I know that babies are a lot trickier than they seem. But in all seriousness, the greatest lesson my son has taught me is to smile in the face of adversity. Even when things look bleak, and times get rough, even when you’re down to nothing, and think that it sucks; smile. Life could always be worse, and were blessed. Cayden is my biggest inspiration,  He has taught me so many lessons, and continues to everyday.  I as a mother, and we as a family are so blessed by God to have a child as amazing as he is. Down Syndrome kids are always smiling, laughing, and bringing joy. Even in the face of adversity they smile. They are not defined by their chromosome, but they embrace it, they are individuals each with a little something extra ordinary. To think that God punishes people with special needs children such as down syndrome is ludicrous. My son was gift, full of love, made by the perfect love, just for me.

1 John 4:18

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment . The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

My faith has grown stronger this past year, God has been there through all my struggles with becoming a single mother, and raising my son. Showing me that all things are gonna be alright. My son is one, the light of my life, and the greatest gift I could ever have been given.  He has shown me true love, and has shown me that family is at the heart of it. Cayden’s journey has just begun, and I can’t wait to see where God takes us. A bible verse that truly sums up Cayden’s 1st year is:

1st Corinthians 13:13

"There are three things that last: Faith, Hope, and Love, and the Greatest of these is

LOVE."

Being a Parent is Easy, Right?

Being a Parent is Easy? Right?.....

Sleepless nights, upon sleepless nights. Fighting to keep my eyes open while breast pumping milk for my little man. Son screaming, and let’s be honest a few tears of my own of pure sleepless nights. Thank God for my Mom, and Family’s constant help. There are times when I wanted to pull my hair out, but who could pull their hair out when looking at a face like this? Pure bliss, he just makes my day better. Even if I’m tired, just looking at him can make a smile instantly come to my face.

Oh How I was grateful I had already graduated, because I’m sure, there is no way I could of after. He was a handful, but it didn't make me love him any less. I use to wonder what my Mom meant when she told me while pregnant, “ Enjoy your sleep, because you won’t have it back till… wait how old are you again?”, lol, My mom has a big sense of humor, but now I totally get it.

Even though I was a Mom now,I still struggled with being a single parent, and doing it alone. Still dealing with Postpartum and anger from my past relationship. I’m not saying I didn't love my son, but it was hard time bonding when I first had him. But then again it was still hard to believe that I had brought such a beautiful little boy into this world. He was absolutely perfect in my eyes, and I think I was just so disappointed in myself for how things had happened in my life. I had disappointed a lot of people by getting pregnant, but isn’t it odd how babies bring people closer, and sometimes so far away.?

There were times where I struggled so hard to keep myself afloat, no one can truly prepare you for being a single parent. Or a special needs single parent. I had many fears about my son. I worried about his health, would he be able to talk, would he reach all the milestones, would he graduate, would he go to college, would he have a family? I’m a worrier, my Mom says it truly is one of my biggest faults, she always says to me, “ Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.” It was a quote that gave me so much comfort and frustration at so many times. I mean how can you not wonder what your child will face? How can you not wonder if they’ll reach all their milestones? Just how can you not? Those are times where I truly had to turn to God for peace, for understanding, and guidance. I was struggling, and needed him more then anything. I needed him and still do everyday of my life.

“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.”

Isaiah 54:10

Isn't it odd how there is a scripture that can speak multitudes into your life for every situation? God has, had, and is the answer to all the things. There was a point in the beginning, I was so exhausted, and upset that I just couldn't handle taking care of Cayden, for two weeks my Son stayed in the room with my Mom, and Dad. I struggled with the hurt of my pregnancy,worries of what my son would face,  and ultimately my past, I just couldn't seem to move forward, and not that I didn't love my son, but at that point, I just wasn't there the way he needed me to be. Not yet anyways….

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

During those two weeks, I’d like to call it almost the beginning of my true grieving process, the letting go, the acceptance that my past life was no longer, that I had and was different because of my son, and that it was for the better. He was my future, and that it was time to give him my all and give up the hurt. So at this time I began to finally start to form the bond with my son.

It wasn't easy, but we got there. I started to feel all those apprehensions parents have, like will they be okay if I leave them in the crib, will he think I left him or if someone babysits will he remember me, will he remember I’m his Mom? Weird you think about so many things but to them there just chill and free thinking. The months seem to fly by so fast, and with that my love grew, and grew.  He has grown a lot since then, we together as a family have grown a lot since then, I have grown a lot since then. I’m just so honored God put this little boy in my life. He is my world, my heart, and my Super Hero. He may not hit every Milestone as fast as every other child but he has hit a ton. He is just now learning to sit on his own. And right now that’s enough, because he is gonna hit every Milestone in his own time, everyone will be special for us,  and he will make me proud every time, he will graduate, he will be married, and I will be by his side through it all. He is in all rights the reason I keep going when times are tough, the reason I am the person I am today, and without him, I don’t think I’d be the Woman, the Mom, I am. He has made me grow up a lot, and reevaluate my values, and goals in my life. I just hope I can make him as proud as he makes me. A quote I think that sums this up is:

“There’s always gonna be another mountain

I’m always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what’s waitin’ on the other side

It’s the climb”

-Miley Cyrus

No matter what my son and I face, there will always be adversity in the path. I will always try to do my best, and teach him that things happen for a reason, that he had a reason for being born, that God used him to save me, and to teach me that true love is given. I will teach my son that not all battles can be won, but that it doesn't make you less of a person, or a loser. And if he plays baseball, and even if not,  I will tell him.” You’ll get em next time, and till then let’s go get an ice cream.” I will tell him that time can only be a factor if you're not enjoying the moment. That sometimes you just have to let go, enjoy where you are, and wait till you reach your destination, and when you do you’ll have had no regrets, or what if’s? I will teach him to cherish all that he has, and never look for what he doesn't. I will teach life and all it’s beauties. For my son, is my life, and just the same as you and me.  And he’s gonna reach every milestone just you wait and see.

Journey of a changing heart..

Not all stories start out the best, and in a way I think that because our’s didn't that we shall one day have our fairy tale complete, more than it already is. Cayden and I’s story starts out sixteen months ago. My life had never been easy, although having a loving family, I was always searching for something more, and in a sense, maybe my searching is what led to most of my hardships, but it also led to the greatest thing I would ever know. I always wanted to be one of those girls that other girls wished they were, with the boyfriend in school, and high school sweetheart dream, but impatience got me crossed in the line of fire for constant let downs. I didn't date till I was 16, I wanted to be the example to my younger siblings, and for most of the part I had been, Great student, listened to everything my parents said, and daily attended church. I met a guy, and he wist me away with promises of being different than others, and even though part of me could see right through it, the loneliness had crept in, and all I wanted was to fill the hole I felt. We dated, and what I saw then is not what I see now. I became pregnant at 18 , and once again alone. Alone in my thoughts. I had given up everything, and in away I felt as though I was dead and that's where Postpartum had captured me. Even though I had two miraculous heart beats inside of me. One mine, the other my son’s. I still felt this unstoppable unquenchable feeling of being alone.

Pregnancy was by far the scariest thing I've endured thus far. Doctors appointments, upon doctors appointments, and it seemed I was never getting good news and most of the time, I assumed they were lies after my train of luck. My favorite lie , the morning sickness should stop soon, I was sick till the day I had my son,  lol. Tests after tests being offered, but denied one. Six months later at an appointment I received news that there were abnormalities in my Ultra- Sound. I was sent to another doctor, where they ran more tests. About two weeks later, I had received news my Son would be born with Down Syndrome. My heart shattered, fears I had never felt overtook me, along with anger. I researched constantly about Down Syndrome,and all I saw was the struggles most went through, instead of the success. I spent my whole pregnancy angry, contemplating what people would think about me,  and blaming God, when ultimately I should of been thanking him, because a change was coming, a life changing one that ultimately saved me. The only thing I can say I regret about my pregnancy was not enjoying it, and not seeing how beautiful the experience was; every ultrasound where I got to hear my precious baby’s beat of life; every miraculous movement I felt. I had a beautiful baby inside of me, I was lucky to have been blessed with a child. He was perfect even more so with the Down Syndrome,and he is my heart beat, and such a smart loving boy that I could not imagine life without. There are women that can’t even have children, and hear I am harping on the past, because I was angry stuff didn't work out,  and thinking that my Son wasn't enough to fix my broken heart, that God wasn't enough. I guess I was just searching for peace, for things to be okay, for things to be like they use to. I should of kept searching for the one thing that would make me whole. The one person that loved me, when I didn't deserve it, the one whom gave his own life for me, God. Even in his word, do passages speak life into what I endured, and gave comfort to what pained me.

“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you, Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. “ John 14:27

Even when I doubted, I could still feel a tug on my heart. My heart felt like it had a rope attached, like a climber, trudging through the harsh cold winter to reach it to the top of the mountain. It was God climbing to reclaim my heart. I had strayed, but still knew his name.  I felt like I had let everyone down.  Everyone assumed I’d be off to college, and be the lead example. Disappointments I had caused within my family.  Months and Months I had lived in sin. Now I’m not saying it happened all at once, I’m not perfect, I still make mistakes, but  I had Two choices, Continue to live in sin, or to finally get help, and turn back to God. I chose God, at all times in my life, he had been the one thing that was for sure, and always there. He was consistent. And little by little, I began my journey to getting better.

“But now it is no longer I who dwell, but sin that dwell in me.”  

Romans 7:17

I started to cut people whom were hurting me out of my life, and began to attend a new church. I starting going to a life group which helped with children with special needs, and began to be around children with downs, autism, and etc. and things were no longer scary, I still hurt, but it got easier. I then began the journey to getting closer to God once again. It was a bumpy one, I still stumbled, constantly at that. Anger was still my problem, and I searched for relief of the pain. And there were times, where I was too far gone, to even feel a glimpse of his love again.

“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Romans 5:8

I in no way deserved the love a man gave me thousands of years ago, but he saw something in me, in this generation, in this people that was enough to lead him to lay down his life. For that I am forever grateful. And each day, though I constantly will let him down somewhere in my life, I chose to follow, and chase after him, because his love is unfailing. And I hope that one day, my Son will strive after him, and see his unfailing love to. It’s truly amazing to me that he is called all of us to follow despite our sin record.

“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of the darkness into his marvelous light.”

1st Peter 2:9

We were all called to follow, and even in my darkest times, I chose to get up, follow, and strive after the light. The light that had saved me many times before. For the first few times, after attending my new church, I began to feel encounters again, tears that I had dried, were not a rainfall in worship. I was 37 weeks pregnant when I went into labor. I was in for check-up and getting ultrasound, and me being the food lover that I am was eating Rice Crispies and drinking red pop during this, and this lady was already white, but got paler than I've ever seen, and told me I needed to go to the hospital now, the baby had to come out. Now I am a wimp to pain so I immediately started crying and freaking out, weird you know your pregnant, but still when you get down to that moment fears arise. So we raced over to the hospital and I was induced, I was suppose to be on Sunday, but was admitted Friday. I was so scared, and at this time fear and by far the most fear I had ever felt took me. I was in labor, pain unimaginable. I said things that I regret, and did things throughout this whole pregnancy I regret now, but now I had life, and a Son. 12 hour later I gave birth to my baby boy, Cayden Miguel. He was 4 pounds 12 ounces, and was 17 inches long, and purely perfect. Most people’s first words about there kids, would be, “ Oh he’s so beautiful”, or something along those lines. Mine were, “Oh my God my son’s a hobbit.” Now let me explain, I always thought babies were all hairless, my son, was a hairy baby, and I did not expect that at all. lol. At 18 years old, I gave birth to a miracle. And everyday I wake up to this perfect little gem.

The biggest thing for me now is to change people’s mind frame about Down Syndrome children.  My heart breaks for those who think they can’t do it, that they can’t be a special needs mom, that they can’t raise a child with Down Syndrome. There as normal as you and me, even smarter I think. The only way for them to reach success is to be the driving force behind them whether they have an extra chromosome or not. I can honestly say that without God, my son, family and friends I would not be around today. They are my life savers if you will. My Son is my heart, he is the only thing that is truly mine and I love him unconditionally. For those out there with fears. Just trust God, he doesn't make mistakes, he is in the miracle, and life saving business.  And Cayden and I are just one of his marvelous stories.