Not all stories start out the best, and in a way I think that because our’s didn't that we shall one day have our fairy tale complete, more than it already is. Cayden and I’s story starts out sixteen months ago. My life had never been easy, although having a loving family, I was always searching for something more, and in a sense, maybe my searching is what led to most of my hardships, but it also led to the greatest thing I would ever know. I always wanted to be one of those girls that other girls wished they were, with the boyfriend in school, and high school sweetheart dream, but impatience got me crossed in the line of fire for constant let downs. I didn't date till I was 16, I wanted to be the example to my younger siblings, and for most of the part I had been, Great student, listened to everything my parents said, and daily attended church. I met a guy, and he wist me away with promises of being different than others, and even though part of me could see right through it, the loneliness had crept in, and all I wanted was to fill the hole I felt. We dated, and what I saw then is not what I see now. I became pregnant at 18 , and once again alone. Alone in my thoughts. I had given up everything, and in away I felt as though I was dead and that's where Postpartum had captured me. Even though I had two miraculous heart beats inside of me. One mine, the other my son’s. I still felt this unstoppable unquenchable feeling of being alone.
Pregnancy was by far the scariest thing I've endured thus far. Doctors appointments, upon doctors appointments, and it seemed I was never getting good news and most of the time, I assumed they were lies after my train of luck. My favorite lie , the morning sickness should stop soon, I was sick till the day I had my son, lol. Tests after tests being offered, but denied one. Six months later at an appointment I received news that there were abnormalities in my Ultra- Sound. I was sent to another doctor, where they ran more tests. About two weeks later, I had received news my Son would be born with Down Syndrome. My heart shattered, fears I had never felt overtook me, along with anger. I researched constantly about Down Syndrome,and all I saw was the struggles most went through, instead of the success. I spent my whole pregnancy angry, contemplating what people would think about me, and blaming God, when ultimately I should of been thanking him, because a change was coming, a life changing one that ultimately saved me. The only thing I can say I regret about my pregnancy was not enjoying it, and not seeing how beautiful the experience was; every ultrasound where I got to hear my precious baby’s beat of life; every miraculous movement I felt. I had a beautiful baby inside of me, I was lucky to have been blessed with a child. He was perfect even more so with the Down Syndrome,and he is my heart beat, and such a smart loving boy that I could not imagine life without. There are women that can’t even have children, and hear I am harping on the past, because I was angry stuff didn't work out, and thinking that my Son wasn't enough to fix my broken heart, that God wasn't enough. I guess I was just searching for peace, for things to be okay, for things to be like they use to. I should of kept searching for the one thing that would make me whole. The one person that loved me, when I didn't deserve it, the one whom gave his own life for me, God. Even in his word, do passages speak life into what I endured, and gave comfort to what pained me.
“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you, Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. “ John 14:27
Even when I doubted, I could still feel a tug on my heart. My heart felt like it had a rope attached, like a climber, trudging through the harsh cold winter to reach it to the top of the mountain. It was God climbing to reclaim my heart. I had strayed, but still knew his name. I felt like I had let everyone down. Everyone assumed I’d be off to college, and be the lead example. Disappointments I had caused within my family. Months and Months I had lived in sin. Now I’m not saying it happened all at once, I’m not perfect, I still make mistakes, but I had Two choices, Continue to live in sin, or to finally get help, and turn back to God. I chose God, at all times in my life, he had been the one thing that was for sure, and always there. He was consistent. And little by little, I began my journey to getting better.
“But now it is no longer I who dwell, but sin that dwell in me.”
Romans 7:17
I started to cut people whom were hurting me out of my life, and began to attend a new church. I starting going to a life group which helped with children with special needs, and began to be around children with downs, autism, and etc. and things were no longer scary, I still hurt, but it got easier. I then began the journey to getting closer to God once again. It was a bumpy one, I still stumbled, constantly at that. Anger was still my problem, and I searched for relief of the pain. And there were times, where I was too far gone, to even feel a glimpse of his love again.
“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:8
I in no way deserved the love a man gave me thousands of years ago, but he saw something in me, in this generation, in this people that was enough to lead him to lay down his life. For that I am forever grateful. And each day, though I constantly will let him down somewhere in my life, I chose to follow, and chase after him, because his love is unfailing. And I hope that one day, my Son will strive after him, and see his unfailing love to. It’s truly amazing to me that he is called all of us to follow despite our sin record.
“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of the darkness into his marvelous light.”
1st Peter 2:9
We were all called to follow, and even in my darkest times, I chose to get up, follow, and strive after the light. The light that had saved me many times before. For the first few times, after attending my new church, I began to feel encounters again, tears that I had dried, were not a rainfall in worship. I was 37 weeks pregnant when I went into labor. I was in for check-up and getting ultrasound, and me being the food lover that I am was eating Rice Crispies and drinking red pop during this, and this lady was already white, but got paler than I've ever seen, and told me I needed to go to the hospital now, the baby had to come out. Now I am a wimp to pain so I immediately started crying and freaking out, weird you know your pregnant, but still when you get down to that moment fears arise. So we raced over to the hospital and I was induced, I was suppose to be on Sunday, but was admitted Friday. I was so scared, and at this time fear and by far the most fear I had ever felt took me. I was in labor, pain unimaginable. I said things that I regret, and did things throughout this whole pregnancy I regret now, but now I had life, and a Son. 12 hour later I gave birth to my baby boy, Cayden Miguel. He was 4 pounds 12 ounces, and was 17 inches long, and purely perfect. Most people’s first words about there kids, would be, “ Oh he’s so beautiful”, or something along those lines. Mine were, “Oh my God my son’s a hobbit.” Now let me explain, I always thought babies were all hairless, my son, was a hairy baby, and I did not expect that at all. lol. At 18 years old, I gave birth to a miracle. And everyday I wake up to this perfect little gem.
The biggest thing for me now is to change people’s mind frame about Down Syndrome children. My heart breaks for those who think they can’t do it, that they can’t be a special needs mom, that they can’t raise a child with Down Syndrome. There as normal as you and me, even smarter I think. The only way for them to reach success is to be the driving force behind them whether they have an extra chromosome or not. I can honestly say that without God, my son, family and friends I would not be around today. They are my life savers if you will. My Son is my heart, he is the only thing that is truly mine and I love him unconditionally. For those out there with fears. Just trust God, he doesn't make mistakes, he is in the miracle, and life saving business. And Cayden and I are just one of his marvelous stories.
