A Year of Life

A year of Life 

“Enjoy every single moment. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the inspiring, the not-so-glamorous moments. And THANK GOD through it all.”

-Meghan Matt

Some days even in the midst  of happiness, are moments of sadness of the realization; My son is growing up, even though he is still a baby in my eyes, you still see the milestones, and begin to think of all the new ones he’ll accomplish. Each of them you will smile, each of them you will cry and look back on all those cherished memories. Cayden is a year old now. It’s crazy to think that I have 1 year old. It seems like only yesterday they were placing him in my arms, with the assumption in my head he’d be young, he’d be my baby forever. There are times where I feel as though my youth is slipping from me, I’ll be 20 soon. I know, I sound ridiculous, but it feels like I’m old. I have accomplished a lot so far in my life, but there will never be anything that could ever cease to top my biggest accomplishment, my son.

This past year has taught me a lot of lessons.  One of them is to appreciate life for all it’s worth, and even when the storm rages, and winds carry, to smile because things could always be worse.One of my favorite things to do is to rock Cayden to sleep at night. As I would he would always look at me before he closed his eyes, making sure I wasn't laying him down. This night in particular, he jolted in his sleep. I called my Mom to come here because when I looked in his eyes I saw fear. She said to wait for the morning. In the morning I awoke and we took him to the doctors where my fears were confirmed. My son was suffering from seizures called West Syndrome.

He was hospitalized for two weeks, and spent his 1st Thanksgiving in the hospital, no matter we still made it special. He was his smiley, bubbly self, laughing, but then the seizures would come on, and it was odd he’d go right back to his regular self. I was so happy that despite the seizures, he would still smile. After day 3 my son finally got his medication  approved from the insurance, after heavy persuasion from the doctor. Even in the midst of this my son would just smile, which was comforting, he has the most heartwarming smile, and can make anyone feel better, and in this time it was just what I needed. I felt so helpless, and in that sense is truly where my Son, and God rose my spirits. In the hospital I grew up a lot. I had to learn to put my fears, and my squeamishness towards needles behind me to take care of my Son. I’m proud to say my Son has not had a seizure since November 30th. Truly a  Praise God moment!

My son teaches me lessons everyday, some rather would have not have learned. Like if you don’t put this diaper on fast enough, you might get a shower. Or by far the most gross experience; when he was first born I was half asleep changing his diaper and he shot on me, and I’m not talking number 1 lol, I laugh about it now, but in the moment it was by far the most scary, disgusting and confusing experience. I had many questions; One, how did that get on my shirt when I’m sitting that far away? Two how did all that come out of a baby? It’s a tad gross, but reflecting on it now I know that babies are a lot trickier than they seem. But in all seriousness, the greatest lesson my son has taught me is to smile in the face of adversity. Even when things look bleak, and times get rough, even when you’re down to nothing, and think that it sucks; smile. Life could always be worse, and were blessed. Cayden is my biggest inspiration,  He has taught me so many lessons, and continues to everyday.  I as a mother, and we as a family are so blessed by God to have a child as amazing as he is. Down Syndrome kids are always smiling, laughing, and bringing joy. Even in the face of adversity they smile. They are not defined by their chromosome, but they embrace it, they are individuals each with a little something extra ordinary. To think that God punishes people with special needs children such as down syndrome is ludicrous. My son was gift, full of love, made by the perfect love, just for me.

1 John 4:18

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment . The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

My faith has grown stronger this past year, God has been there through all my struggles with becoming a single mother, and raising my son. Showing me that all things are gonna be alright. My son is one, the light of my life, and the greatest gift I could ever have been given.  He has shown me true love, and has shown me that family is at the heart of it. Cayden’s journey has just begun, and I can’t wait to see where God takes us. A bible verse that truly sums up Cayden’s 1st year is:

1st Corinthians 13:13

"There are three things that last: Faith, Hope, and Love, and the Greatest of these is

LOVE."

Being a Parent is Easy, Right?

Being a Parent is Easy? Right?.....

Sleepless nights, upon sleepless nights. Fighting to keep my eyes open while breast pumping milk for my little man. Son screaming, and let’s be honest a few tears of my own of pure sleepless nights. Thank God for my Mom, and Family’s constant help. There are times when I wanted to pull my hair out, but who could pull their hair out when looking at a face like this? Pure bliss, he just makes my day better. Even if I’m tired, just looking at him can make a smile instantly come to my face.

Oh How I was grateful I had already graduated, because I’m sure, there is no way I could of after. He was a handful, but it didn't make me love him any less. I use to wonder what my Mom meant when she told me while pregnant, “ Enjoy your sleep, because you won’t have it back till… wait how old are you again?”, lol, My mom has a big sense of humor, but now I totally get it.

Even though I was a Mom now,I still struggled with being a single parent, and doing it alone. Still dealing with Postpartum and anger from my past relationship. I’m not saying I didn't love my son, but it was hard time bonding when I first had him. But then again it was still hard to believe that I had brought such a beautiful little boy into this world. He was absolutely perfect in my eyes, and I think I was just so disappointed in myself for how things had happened in my life. I had disappointed a lot of people by getting pregnant, but isn’t it odd how babies bring people closer, and sometimes so far away.?

There were times where I struggled so hard to keep myself afloat, no one can truly prepare you for being a single parent. Or a special needs single parent. I had many fears about my son. I worried about his health, would he be able to talk, would he reach all the milestones, would he graduate, would he go to college, would he have a family? I’m a worrier, my Mom says it truly is one of my biggest faults, she always says to me, “ Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.” It was a quote that gave me so much comfort and frustration at so many times. I mean how can you not wonder what your child will face? How can you not wonder if they’ll reach all their milestones? Just how can you not? Those are times where I truly had to turn to God for peace, for understanding, and guidance. I was struggling, and needed him more then anything. I needed him and still do everyday of my life.

“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.”

Isaiah 54:10

Isn't it odd how there is a scripture that can speak multitudes into your life for every situation? God has, had, and is the answer to all the things. There was a point in the beginning, I was so exhausted, and upset that I just couldn't handle taking care of Cayden, for two weeks my Son stayed in the room with my Mom, and Dad. I struggled with the hurt of my pregnancy,worries of what my son would face,  and ultimately my past, I just couldn't seem to move forward, and not that I didn't love my son, but at that point, I just wasn't there the way he needed me to be. Not yet anyways….

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

During those two weeks, I’d like to call it almost the beginning of my true grieving process, the letting go, the acceptance that my past life was no longer, that I had and was different because of my son, and that it was for the better. He was my future, and that it was time to give him my all and give up the hurt. So at this time I began to finally start to form the bond with my son.

It wasn't easy, but we got there. I started to feel all those apprehensions parents have, like will they be okay if I leave them in the crib, will he think I left him or if someone babysits will he remember me, will he remember I’m his Mom? Weird you think about so many things but to them there just chill and free thinking. The months seem to fly by so fast, and with that my love grew, and grew.  He has grown a lot since then, we together as a family have grown a lot since then, I have grown a lot since then. I’m just so honored God put this little boy in my life. He is my world, my heart, and my Super Hero. He may not hit every Milestone as fast as every other child but he has hit a ton. He is just now learning to sit on his own. And right now that’s enough, because he is gonna hit every Milestone in his own time, everyone will be special for us,  and he will make me proud every time, he will graduate, he will be married, and I will be by his side through it all. He is in all rights the reason I keep going when times are tough, the reason I am the person I am today, and without him, I don’t think I’d be the Woman, the Mom, I am. He has made me grow up a lot, and reevaluate my values, and goals in my life. I just hope I can make him as proud as he makes me. A quote I think that sums this up is:

“There’s always gonna be another mountain

I’m always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what’s waitin’ on the other side

It’s the climb”

-Miley Cyrus

No matter what my son and I face, there will always be adversity in the path. I will always try to do my best, and teach him that things happen for a reason, that he had a reason for being born, that God used him to save me, and to teach me that true love is given. I will teach my son that not all battles can be won, but that it doesn't make you less of a person, or a loser. And if he plays baseball, and even if not,  I will tell him.” You’ll get em next time, and till then let’s go get an ice cream.” I will tell him that time can only be a factor if you're not enjoying the moment. That sometimes you just have to let go, enjoy where you are, and wait till you reach your destination, and when you do you’ll have had no regrets, or what if’s? I will teach him to cherish all that he has, and never look for what he doesn't. I will teach life and all it’s beauties. For my son, is my life, and just the same as you and me.  And he’s gonna reach every milestone just you wait and see.